Piece of Thought

Hi blog, I miss you blog. 3 papers down and one more paper to go before I am done with my final exam. 10 days more. Which means, I have plenty of time to study for my last paper, which also means, I have plenty of time to do random sh*t thing in my room everyday. 

For example, looking at the ceiling for hours, keep searching every corner of my room for food, non-stop watching doraemon short video clips on Youtube, singing like I am a superstar when roomie is not in, play with grapes, play with highlighter, or the most recent one. Draw cat eyes and a little heart on my cheek. 

Recently I keep thinking about stuff related to boy-girl relationship. Like how to be a good girlfriend. What are those criteria determine a good girlfriend. Is there possible that I can totally be myself, but yet still consider as a good girlfriend. How to build a healthy relationship. How to trust someone without afraid of being hurt. I believe that everyone has their own answer for all these questions and what I am trying to do all this while is to find my answer.


My own answer. I am searching for a balance point between true self and a good girlfriend. 

I am not saying that I need to and I always act like a totally different person in front of my boyfriend, I can still be myself, maybe 99 percent in front of him. Laugh and cry when I feel like doing so. Say whatever I want to him without need to worry that he will feel annoyed. But where is the one percent goes? You might ask. The 1 percent isn't there not because of him, but because of me myself.


Because this time, everything is new to me.


I clearly know that I am dating a man this time, not a boy. He is mature, he has his own thinking which always inspire and impress me, he know how to treat me like an adult, though sometimes he still spoils me like a kid.

Because of all these, I know I should treat him and our relationship the same as he treated me. I know I have to handle thing between us in a mature way and I have to grow up and stop acting like a childish girl who constantly need attention from boyfriend. That 1 percent is not there yet because I am still learning. Learn to put my trust on him without any doubts and learn to be a good life companion for him. I want to add additional joy in his life with my presence without need him to compromise any other things in his life for me.

This is something new. This is tough for me. But I know this is the right thing to do.

I have learn not to ask where had he been and who was with him when he is not with me. (Fyi, I never ask him this since we start dating.) Even sometimes he never reply me for half a day or few hours. Even sometimes I really really miss him. Because I understand that love doesn't build on thousand messages sending non-stop for each other from day to night. Love doesn't build on keep reporting to each other about our location. 


Instead, love build on trust. And love need freedom. I don't want to act like his mom and always ask him what he did and where he go. I want to be his lover, I want to be the first person that he will want to share all the interesting thing that happened on him when he comes back. 

Everything is about TRUST. 

I know he is very active in whatsapp and has alot of group chats as well as one-to-one chat conversation in his phone. Among those one-to-one chat conversations, I know some are girls, maybe two or three, or four or five. lol I don't really know exactly how many haha. Though I trust him and I know he love me very much, but can't be deny that sometimes I don't feel that good when come to think of my boyfriend is texting with another girl. But eventually I learnt to stand in his shoes to look at the matter. 


Really, I am learning. lol.
Still learning haha.


Then I always manage to find out actually thing doesn't turn out as what I thought it was. Those girls are his friend and best friends before he met me and fall in love with me. It is healthy and normal to catch up once in a while with old friends and know how each other doing. Even me myself sometimes chat with some of my good guy friends. I will be really upset if my boyfriend doesn't allow me to keep in touch with them or doesn't trust me that I will be loyal to him. I believe same applies to him.


I actually strongly against girls who check boyfriend's phone when he's not around because everyone should learn to respect each other, even though he is your boyfriend. Everyone has their own privacy. If don't trust him, why love him? 


Somemore according to Murphy's Law, what will happen, will happen. what will go wrong, will definitely go wrong. So, why worry now? HAHA. If thing is going to happen, I can't stop it anyway. 

One day, if I manage to deal with these two thing normally or I don't even remember these are things that I have to deal with, then I will give myself back that 1 percent. By that time, I can be 100 percent of myself in front of him. 

Till then. :D